Proving It

Randy comes over my house to go to Critical Resistance and I say this might be the last time I wear my hair like this, because I can’t find a spray that I’m not allergic to. But I also can’t find a new style that I like, something where my hair is down it just feels too understated and I feel like all the flaws on my face are magnified, like the bags under my eyes and it’s stressful because I’m going on tour and when I’m on tour it’s so important to feel like I can do something like my hair, I mean get it perfect and then feel like I can face the world, I mean face the world without feeling like a complete mess. So I keep trying all these new styles, but the other thing is that they make my face look too square, I mean I need to get a new haircut to figure it out so that the bottom is rounded and that will probably make a difference, but I need to figure it out first because I can’t go to get a haircut and just say what do you think we should do, I mean what do you think I should do, I mean I like to know exactly what I want ahead of time, so that I don’t end up hating it.

I forget how frantic I am at this time of the day, rushing to get out of the house I mean I’m not rushing but I keep talking in circles maybe I am rushing I’m not sure if I’m more frantic because Randy’s here or if I’m always this way it’s just in my head so I don’t notice as much. We get the bus and the BART right away, and right when we get off the train there’s Joolie, coming from the conference, and she gives me a great hug, says you look wonderful, which is nice to hear since I was obsessing. Although then I’m thinking will I look as good when I cut my hair, I mean I kept my hair really short for years and even shaved it all with clippers for a while but now I feel like that kind of style makes me look too severe.

It’s kind of fun being in Oakland – I go there so rarely, so I’m always somewhat surprised that it’s really a different city – the spacing of buildings, the air, the way people look at you, the foliage, the light. We’re walking towards the event, which is right by Randy’s house, and when we get close I realize there’s a stream of people and I remember Randy says no one walks around here so I know we’re all going to the event. We’re right along the lake, which I’m sure is polluted as hell but everything looks so sedate here with the sun lowering amidst the buildings reflecting the watery glow.